Trinity Blacio

Dear Mrs. Claus:
My children talked me into writing you this letter since I’m making them write one to your husband. I thought it might be more appropriate for to send this to you, because I figured you would more than likely understand my dilemma along with the thousands of other women out there.

So here it goes…what I want for Christmas:

I want a man, who, when is sick, does not act like the world is coming to an end. One who can actually get up and do something while he is sick. I need a man who can do housework and not just put dirty dishes in a clean dishwasher because he’s too lazy to empty it!

Someone, who, when asked to watch the kids while I work, will actually watch the kids and not sleep on the couch, letting them destroy our home. Someone who can actually think of something to fix the kids for supper other than a can of soup or a bowl of cereal. Not to mention he has to be able to put things away instead of leaving them out for Mom to put away when she gets home from work. Things like milk sitting on the stove, ketchup or mustard still sitting out, hot dogs that weren’t eaten still in the pan…you get my drift.

I need a man, who instead of asking for beer money will ask ‘do we need anything from the grocery store?’ Or maybe he’ll say, ‘do the kids have enough lunch meat for their lunches this week?’ Or, how about, ‘we can go out for dinner since you’ve worked a hard day.’

I think the biggest thing I would want would be for the man to last longer than three minutes in the bed before rolling over and going to sleep. I mean, I might be a little old, but please! I need a man to give me romance, not one that says, ‘Do you want a boner tonight?’ EXCUSE ME? How about one who will just pick you up and dash you to the bedroom, stripping your clothes off as you go. Or how about a man who isn’t afraid to play with toys! Oh, my list is loooonggg. I mean, the man doesn’t have to be an anaconda, but he sure better be able to use it. And what’s with this peck-style kissing? What happened to some tongue kissing? My husband says hickiess are for kids!

Excuse me, you can put that suction to work some where else.

Now my question to you is: you’ve been married forever, and I was wondering if your husband does all these things? If so, can you please leave instructions for my husband on how to do them? Or could you please bring me one of those new androids companies now make that curl a woman’s toes? That way I won’t have to ask for anything; he’ll be already programmed for great sex and everything else I want!

Thank you,

A lonely, tired, and married woman, who doesn’t get anything!!!